Reality Shift - for ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
amelioraate
May. 22nd, 2017 07:30 amon_ur_left posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
kitkatmusesSteve's been on Earth 616 for almost 2 years, now. He's comfortable here. He's met his counterpart (still not a huge fan), he's had a chance to get to know this universe's Bucky (likes him a lot better), and overall, he's settled in to life here. In the beginning, Tony was trying to find him a way home, and that's what Steve had wanted. He's stopped wanting that, and Tony's stopped trying. He thinks, if he asked, Tony would keep looking into it, for him. To make him happy. But the thing is... as worried as he'd been about Bucky, and the emergence of Hydra... he can't bring himself to want to go back. It all seems so remote, now, like a dream. Like another world - literally. And now, it's a world he's no longer a part of. He may not come from 616 originally, but he feels so much more comfortable and settled here than he ever did in his old life.
He has an honest job here, painting and drawing comics - his dream job - and when asked, he lends tactical advice during fights. He's even suited up a few times, although since he doesn't run regular drills, he knows he's not as cohesive with the rest of the fighters as he could be. He's all right stepping back though, lending his brains instead of his brawn - and in this world, his brawn is nowhere near as powerful as it had been at home.
Home. It's a funny word, and one Steve contemplates in quiet, peaceful moments. This is his home now. This world, but more importantly, here in Avengers Tower with Tony. Tony is his home. He's been here since day one of his arrival in this universe, and Tony has always supported him. They became best friends, and then they'd become lovers, almost a year ago. It's something that still makes Steve smile, especially at the strange miscommunication and circuitous route they'd taken to being in an actual romantic relationship. But by this point, they've fallen into comfortable routines in their relationship.
One routine is getting Tony to come to bed and, more difficult, actually sleep. Early on, Steve had run the gamut of emotions, from cajoling, bargaining, begging, and on one disastrous occasion, angrily giving an ultimatum. That hadn't worked out well for either of them. Finally, he'd hit upon the idea of using sex, which for some reason hadn't occurred to him before. (Considering how their relationship had started, and how passionate they still are, he really has no clue why he didn't think of it sooner, if not immediately in the first place.) He doesn't do it all the time - Tony likes him to be in control in the bedroom sometimes, but neither of them wants a controlling partner, and he understands that Tony needs his own routines sometimes - but every few days, especially if Tony hasn't been sleeping well for a while, Steve will get ready for bed a little early, find Tony, and tell him, "I'm going to bed. You coming?" and then he does exactly that, not waiting for a response. Sometimes, Tony doesn't join him, too deep in his own work to find a stopping place. But usually, most of the time, Tony will join him anywhere from a half hour later (after finding a stopping place for all the things he was working on), to practically on his heels the entire time.
Because you see, the way to get Tony to go to bed and rest, is to wear him out. With sex. It's a good system, with a high rate of success (as Tony had playfully pointed out to him at one point, once he'd caught on to Steve's nefarious scheme). It took some time to work out a few kinks (in the system, not the sex; they'd quickly worked out several kinks for sex), because going to bed at Steve's normal hour, plus at least a couple hours, sometimes more to wear them both out, didn't leave a lot of time for actual sleeping, which was the ultimate goal of the whole exercise. But it all worked out, and now Steve is comfortable with his life, happy, and he's pretty certain Tony is, too. As happy as he thinks his lover ever will be, at any rate.
On nights where they wear themselves out and fall asleep tangled together, Steve rarely dreams. He has the occasional nightmare still, but its rare, and they're... as ordinary as nightmares ever are. He's used to them, and he knows how to cope with them. Having Tony around, having him understand, helps immensely.
Tonight is different. He wakes up early in the morning, and feels immediately that this - this wasn't an ordinary nightmare. This wasn't even an unusual nightmare - although 'nightmare' really is the only word Steve can think to use for the entire thing. No, he somehow remembers. He has memories of an entire year that he's never actually lived. It's jumbled and confusing in his head, and when he first wakes up he's disoriented, in a room not his, with a man whom he doesn't immediately recognize. It's stifling, claustrophobic, and he's completely, uncharacteristically uncoordinated as he tumbles out of bed and heads toward the adjoining bathroom. He doesn't consider the fact that he knows exactly where to go, knows the exact layout of the suite. He flips the light on and stares at his reflection in the mirror. Starts trying to sort things out, figure out what's reality, and what's not.
Except... somehow he knows that it's all reality. Assembling the Avengers, going after Hydra. Wanda and Pietro Maximoff - not mutants, but 'enhanced humans' - Baron Strucker and retrieving Loki's staff. Ultron. Tony, creating Ultron. Fighting with Tony, being furious with him. Wanda's visions, the Mind Gem and Vision and Clint's family and Pietro dying and Bruce leaving and a new team and--
He comes back to himself gripping the bathroom counter in both hands, arms shaking, head hanging down and panting. That's not-- it's not his reality anymore, he tells himself fiercely.
He has an honest job here, painting and drawing comics - his dream job - and when asked, he lends tactical advice during fights. He's even suited up a few times, although since he doesn't run regular drills, he knows he's not as cohesive with the rest of the fighters as he could be. He's all right stepping back though, lending his brains instead of his brawn - and in this world, his brawn is nowhere near as powerful as it had been at home.
Home. It's a funny word, and one Steve contemplates in quiet, peaceful moments. This is his home now. This world, but more importantly, here in Avengers Tower with Tony. Tony is his home. He's been here since day one of his arrival in this universe, and Tony has always supported him. They became best friends, and then they'd become lovers, almost a year ago. It's something that still makes Steve smile, especially at the strange miscommunication and circuitous route they'd taken to being in an actual romantic relationship. But by this point, they've fallen into comfortable routines in their relationship.
One routine is getting Tony to come to bed and, more difficult, actually sleep. Early on, Steve had run the gamut of emotions, from cajoling, bargaining, begging, and on one disastrous occasion, angrily giving an ultimatum. That hadn't worked out well for either of them. Finally, he'd hit upon the idea of using sex, which for some reason hadn't occurred to him before. (Considering how their relationship had started, and how passionate they still are, he really has no clue why he didn't think of it sooner, if not immediately in the first place.) He doesn't do it all the time - Tony likes him to be in control in the bedroom sometimes, but neither of them wants a controlling partner, and he understands that Tony needs his own routines sometimes - but every few days, especially if Tony hasn't been sleeping well for a while, Steve will get ready for bed a little early, find Tony, and tell him, "I'm going to bed. You coming?" and then he does exactly that, not waiting for a response. Sometimes, Tony doesn't join him, too deep in his own work to find a stopping place. But usually, most of the time, Tony will join him anywhere from a half hour later (after finding a stopping place for all the things he was working on), to practically on his heels the entire time.
Because you see, the way to get Tony to go to bed and rest, is to wear him out. With sex. It's a good system, with a high rate of success (as Tony had playfully pointed out to him at one point, once he'd caught on to Steve's nefarious scheme). It took some time to work out a few kinks (in the system, not the sex; they'd quickly worked out several kinks for sex), because going to bed at Steve's normal hour, plus at least a couple hours, sometimes more to wear them both out, didn't leave a lot of time for actual sleeping, which was the ultimate goal of the whole exercise. But it all worked out, and now Steve is comfortable with his life, happy, and he's pretty certain Tony is, too. As happy as he thinks his lover ever will be, at any rate.
On nights where they wear themselves out and fall asleep tangled together, Steve rarely dreams. He has the occasional nightmare still, but its rare, and they're... as ordinary as nightmares ever are. He's used to them, and he knows how to cope with them. Having Tony around, having him understand, helps immensely.
Tonight is different. He wakes up early in the morning, and feels immediately that this - this wasn't an ordinary nightmare. This wasn't even an unusual nightmare - although 'nightmare' really is the only word Steve can think to use for the entire thing. No, he somehow remembers. He has memories of an entire year that he's never actually lived. It's jumbled and confusing in his head, and when he first wakes up he's disoriented, in a room not his, with a man whom he doesn't immediately recognize. It's stifling, claustrophobic, and he's completely, uncharacteristically uncoordinated as he tumbles out of bed and heads toward the adjoining bathroom. He doesn't consider the fact that he knows exactly where to go, knows the exact layout of the suite. He flips the light on and stares at his reflection in the mirror. Starts trying to sort things out, figure out what's reality, and what's not.
Except... somehow he knows that it's all reality. Assembling the Avengers, going after Hydra. Wanda and Pietro Maximoff - not mutants, but 'enhanced humans' - Baron Strucker and retrieving Loki's staff. Ultron. Tony, creating Ultron. Fighting with Tony, being furious with him. Wanda's visions, the Mind Gem and Vision and Clint's family and Pietro dying and Bruce leaving and a new team and--
He comes back to himself gripping the bathroom counter in both hands, arms shaking, head hanging down and panting. That's not-- it's not his reality anymore, he tells himself fiercely.